Many ways to be human

"Here’s a little known fact in astrology – Uranus sensitizes a person..." - ElsaElsa "Distaste & Intolerance for a person's humanness"

Elsa continues with that post, "We’ll try to not be so nosy. Right? Everybody stay out of Elsa’s business. She’ll tell us what’s going on when she feels like it.”

I looked over and nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to think...”

People rarely give the other allowance of this kind anymore. They won’t let people be human and individual. Instead they try to perfect them according to their own design and standard. I think this could be the new definition of “insane”."

 

The beginning of tiny home life, 2008

 

Most regular readers of Makua o'o know I live with a condition called MCS, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. Though I don't focus on this reality in the writing I do on this blog it is an underlying thread that tugs at the definition of me, and my humanness everyday. My husband Pete and I were featured in a recent article written in the Fall/Winter 2014 newsletter for volunteers who serve the South Whidbey Island community Good Cheer Food Bank. The piece entitled "Pete and Moki Helping Pin together a Community of Compassion." begins, "What is it like to have a story to tell but not be able to get close enough to tell it because it could harm you? That is the question Mokihana Calizar must answer every day. Moki has Multiple Chemical Sensitivity where she cannot be near fragrances and chemical odors. This is very limiting in the ways she can be of service to her community but she has spent the last 7 years figuring out how to do just that."

The short article was accompanied by a photograph taken on a sunny late fall afternoon in Langley. The words used to describe us surprised me, Pete did not read the article for several weeks. When he did read it he said, "That was good!" surprised as well that others did understand (to some degree) what it takes for us to contribute to our community regardless of the challenges and "life circumstances." Yes, in the last 7 years figuring out how to contribute to our South Whidbey Island community has challenged me to stretch my comfort zone without agitating the fine line or border of health that maintains an immune system strong, and resilient enough to cope with too much fragrance, or an overload of stimulation. As I write this post I have just come through a day and night of exposures that frazzled my mind and body: an exuberant Happy New Year hug from a friend who was loaded with strong fragrance began a downward spiral of illness. Unless you or someone dear to you has initiated you into the protocol necessary to be with someone living with heightened sensitivities the special care necessary to 'deal' with my sort of humanness is as foreign as Francais is to a non-Francophile.

One of our "Sensitive Friends" had a birthday party this summer. In an email sent to all her guests she included this request (which I've edited a bit to fit this post)."

"You are welcome to bring anyone with you that you'd like to--with the proviso that they be somewhere between largely and entirely unscented.  (No dryer sheets, strongly-scented detergents, lotions, deodorants, SUNSCREEN, etc.)  In other words, come smelling as much like a person as possible.  I WILL SUPPLY PLENTY OF UNSCENTED SUNSCREEN--please do not bring your own, as there will be at least three chemically sensitive people here (2 that live here, and one or two guests), and that stuff tends to shut all of us down at about 40 paces.  (Even outdoors.  Yes, really.  :-)

 

Yesterday's experience with the very fragranced bear hug was something that happened so quickly neither Pete nor I responded with the usually outstretched hands-off or hands in prayer position to fend the approaching 'bear.' Thing is, sometimes we will put down our guard when a friend who is usually unscented gets close. It's that one time when the usually unscented encounter is NOT that truly can, and did, shut us down. Pete manages exposures differently, able to weather the experience with less ill-effects. Both Pete and I shampooed and bathed the scent from our hair and bodies; our clothes (coats, scarves and jacket) are soaking in a washing tub. My night was filled with anxiety and the fall-through -the dark and black hole that is something I experience when exposed to fragrance and chemical exposures. "Take something for it" is not a cure or fix, though I do call on all my Ancestors and practices to aid me as I detoxify the emotions, sensations and adrenaline overload. I held my citrine crystal to ground me as I said my prayers and meditations to calm, and welcomed my helping spirits who took me into the dreams that would reclaim parts of my lost soul. The night passed. I am here. I breathe. I live. I write.  

 

Today, the symptoms and anxiety are easing. We are grateful for the tiny spaces where we can recuperate and rest. Seven years ago we did not have these spaces to do what is necessary to be the humans we are ... differently able to live with the "norm" of a very fragranced and chemically intense society. A few more people know what it takes for us to be the people we are, aware that their habits and preferences could harm us, the process is a slow and as Elsa wrote in her article "Distaste & Intolerance for a person's humanness" there is that sense of entitlement she describes. "They won’t let people be human and individual. Instead they try to perfect them according to their own design and standard. I think this could be the new definition of “insane”." On both ends of the tug-of-war rope we Sensitives could expect all others to amend themselves to our standards, our protocol for a fragrance and chemical free inter-change. While on the other end, the community of the collective could be insensitive to the reality of our humanness and our unique needs.

 

I'm writing this today to say this is what makes me human, and chemically sensitive. Uranus, the planet that sensitizes is in the sign of Aries (first-person focused) for all Earthlings. In my case, Aries is in my Third House (communication and siblings/neighbors). I am sensitized in my communications of all sorts, and while Pluto in Capricorn squares Aries, my Capricorn Moon in the Twelfth House feels deeply. It's my journey. My blog. And, I live in the collective community on a planet billions of years old. In the scheme of Earth's long-life mine is a mere mini-grain of sand on the shore. But, it's my own glorious lifetime this time through and if one or two words or thoughts cross the cyberbridge and ring a bell for you? Hurrah, we have a win and chock one up for tolerance and compassion.

 

 

Writing the deep

“There are certain children who are told they are too sensitive, and there are certain adults who believe sensitivity is a problem that can be fixed in the way that crooked teeth can be fixed and made straight. And when these two come together you get a fairytale, a kind of story with hopelessness in it. I believe there is something in these old stories that does what singing does to words. They have transformational capabilities, in the way melody can transform mood. They can't transform your actual situation, but they can transform your experience of it. We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay. I believe we have always done this, used images to stand and understand what otherwise would be intolerable.”  -  Lynda Barry (via Gail Arlene de Vos) Thanks to Terri Windling for posting this quote on her blog Myth and Moor

It might be the luck of Jupiter that sparks the headlamp of a miner like myself, one of those children who was told I am "too sensitive." Jupiter brings luck and opportunity. The planet was in the 11th House, house of big ideas, collaborations, friends and foreign lands, when I was pulled prematurely from the cozy womb of my mother's uterus. Looking back at that timing as a writer today, I would say it was one of my talisman a lucky rabbit's foot that has given me the creative rabbit's hind leg muscle to leap even in the dark.

If one is born with marks in the sky (astrology) fixing depth in much of life it is the grace of noticing the light that makes such a difference in playing out the cards that wear the dark suits. Elsa wrote a strong and evocative post the other day about friends who have depth, lots of Scorpio or a heavily tenanted 8th House character. I've been mulling over the post, and the more than 50 comments responding to her essay. If this topic is of interest to you I highly recommend reading Elsa's post here.

Elsa made a comment to her post which lit that miner's headlamp for me. She said, "Another thing worth mentioning, Scorpio does tend to keep a tight inner circle. It’s not the most trusting sign, at least when it comes to things that are near and dear to them. Scorpio / 8th house types are described at “self-protective”. I think this is true. But if you are in their inner circle, your value to them is sky-high. And I just don’t think they run around expelling people unless they absolutely have to."

Keeping a tight inner circle is putting it mildly. With my son now in France after weekly visits over the winter while he navigated the legalities and paperwork entitling him to a spouse's visa, my inner circle drops from three to two. My husband and my cat are my physical inner circle, and I count on one hand the friends who know me authentically. Life with MCS create a small circle. Lynda Barry's quote, "certain adults who believe sensitivity is a problem that can be fixed in the way that crooked teeth can be fixed and made straight" makes me laugh at the reality of being chemical and fragrance sensitive to much of today's society.  To an extreme one with sensitivities does become self-protective.

But this is not a pity party post. I put the words down, search for the light and make sure my battery is fully charged to get to this ... Over the years that I have made my life a writer's life there have been many battles and most of them are with myself. Giving ourselves permission is the key. Terri Windling wrote today, "Most importantly, we must give ourselves "permission" to be the person we truly are -- as opposed to who we thought we'd be, or were raised to be, or who others would very much like us to be -- and no one else can do this for us. Teachers, mentors, partners, friends can provide support in various ways, but permission has to come from within if we are to own our lives, and our art."

When I discovered the potential of blogs, I took the venue on with Leo gusto (that's where half of that Scorpio energy is fueled). I wanted to write. It made no never-mind that I didn't know my audience, and wasn't facile yet with the methods for creating a blog. I had things to say, and experiences to record. Self-protective by nature the Scorpio within found ways to write from the dark, deep caves of a sensitive. First, I wrote non-fiction ... the stuff that happened. When the stuff that happened threatened me as surely as diaspora, I wrote anyway. The years of re-rooting and isolation have challenged us. Writing what happens seemed to keep me only in the dark. Jupiter, and the rabbit's muscle sought the light. I found myth, fantasy, and larger stories wanted to be told. Again, Lynda Barry speaks for me. "We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay" 

Rather than spend a lot of time here at Makua o'o I created a place, and stories to be able to stay. Lucky me.