Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Writing the deep

“There are certain children who are told they are too sensitive, and there are certain adults who believe sensitivity is a problem that can be fixed in the way that crooked teeth can be fixed and made straight. And when these two come together you get a fairytale, a kind of story with hopelessness in it. I believe there is something in these old stories that does what singing does to words. They have transformational capabilities, in the way melody can transform mood. They can't transform your actual situation, but they can transform your experience of it. We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay. I believe we have always done this, used images to stand and understand what otherwise would be intolerable.”  -  Lynda Barry (via Gail Arlene de Vos) Thanks to Terri Windling for posting this quote on her blog Myth and Moor

It might be the luck of Jupiter that sparks the headlamp of a miner like myself, one of those children who was told I am "too sensitive." Jupiter brings luck and opportunity. The planet was in the 11th House, house of big ideas, collaborations, friends and foreign lands, when I was pulled prematurely from the cozy womb of my mother's uterus. Looking back at that timing as a writer today, I would say it was one of my talisman a lucky rabbit's foot that has given me the creative rabbit's hind leg muscle to leap even in the dark.

If one is born with marks in the sky (astrology) fixing depth in much of life it is the grace of noticing the light that makes such a difference in playing out the cards that wear the dark suits. Elsa wrote a strong and evocative post the other day about friends who have depth, lots of Scorpio or a heavily tenanted 8th House character. I've been mulling over the post, and the more than 50 comments responding to her essay. If this topic is of interest to you I highly recommend reading Elsa's post here.

Elsa made a comment to her post which lit that miner's headlamp for me. She said, "Another thing worth mentioning, Scorpio does tend to keep a tight inner circle. It’s not the most trusting sign, at least when it comes to things that are near and dear to them. Scorpio / 8th house types are described at “self-protective”. I think this is true. But if you are in their inner circle, your value to them is sky-high. And I just don’t think they run around expelling people unless they absolutely have to."
Keeping a tight inner circle is putting it mildly. With my son now in France after weekly visits over the winter while he navigated the legalities and paperwork entitling him to a spouse's visa, my inner circle drops from three to two. My husband and my cat are my physical inner circle, and I count on one hand the friends who know me authentically. Life with MCS create a small circle. Lynda Barry's quote, "certain adults who believe sensitivity is a problem that can be fixed in the way that crooked teeth can be fixed and made straight" makes me laugh at the reality of being chemical and fragrance sensitive to much of today's society.  To an extreme one with sensitivities does become self-protective.

But this is not a pity party post. I put the words down, search for the light and make sure my battery is fully charged to get to this ... Over the years that I have made my life a writer's life there have been many battles and most of them are with myself. Giving ourselves permission is the key. Terri Windling wrote today, "Most importantly, we must give ourselves "permission" to be the person we truly are -- as opposed to who we thought we'd be, or were raised to be, or who others would very much like us to be -- and no one else can do this for us. Teachers, mentors, partners, friends can provide support in various ways, but permission has to come from within if we are to own our lives, and our art."

When I discovered the potential of blogs, I took the venue on with Leo gusto (that's where half of that Scorpio energy is fueled). I wanted to write. It made no never-mind that I didn't know my audience, and wasn't facile yet with the methods for creating a blog. I had things to say, and experiences to record. Self-protective by nature the Scorpio within found ways to write from the dark, deep caves of a sensitive. First, I wrote non-fiction ... the stuff that happened. When the stuff that happened threatened me as surely as diaspora, I wrote anyway. The years of re-rooting and isolation have challenged us. Writing what happens seemed to keep me only in the dark. Jupiter, and the rabbit's muscle sought the light. I found myth, fantasy, and larger stories wanted to be told. Again, Lynda Barry speaks for me. "We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay" 

Rather than spend a lot of time here at Makua o'o I created a place, and stories to be able to stay. Lucky me.

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