Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Ho'oulu 'Aina and Hope

"Ho'oulu 'Aina addresses the health needs of Kalihi Valley (on the Island of O'ahu) by strengthening the connection between people and land. Through four interwoven program areas, the community comes together to create a 100 acre upland resource of forest, food, knowledge, spirituality, and health activity. As we restore this land to health and productivity, we learn that healing is reciprocal." - Ho'oulu 'Aina

" The transformation of despair into hope is alchemical work, creative work. And what all transformations have in common, writes Rebecca Solnit, "is that they begin in the imagination.To hope is to gamble," she says. "It's to bet on the future, on your desires, on the possibility that an open heart and uncertainty are better than gloom and safety. To hope is dangerous, and yet it is the opposite of fear, for to live is to risk. I say all this to you because hope is not like a lottery ticket you can sit on the sofa and clutch, feeling lucky. I say this because hope is an ax you break down doors with in an emergency; because hope should shove you out the door, because it will take everything you have to steer the future away from endless war, from annihilation of the earth's treasures and the grinding down of the poor and marginal. Hope just means another world might be possible, not promised, not guaranteed. Hope calls for action; action is impossible without hope." - a quote from Rebecca Solnit on Terri Windling's blog Myth and Moor
All day long the rain has fallen. Heavy. Sudden. Piercing. Near hail. The temperature has shifted from an early summer seventy-eight to forty nine. The weather, the elemental gods Lono, Kane they are not blind to the smallness of spirit in humans who are bred on smallness and fear. 'Aue the tragic killing in Orlando. 'Aue, 'aue, ho'ouwe kalani!  Oh, oh what cause for the heavens to cry!

Very early this morning I woke to make time to write one more segment in the medicine story that is uprooting old issues of shame and fear. So deep are some of these issues one life-time may not be enough to ferret them out. But, it will not be for lack of trying. I have worn teeth to prove what an aging ferret's teeth are like. In this growing medicine story the character Uncle Moon wrote a letter to a tiny girl on her first birthday. In green ink, written in a flowing script he wrote:

My Tutu always told me patience is something no man can take from you. So this is how you and me learn about patience. I write, we read. I write, we read. Then you learn to write, we read. Ho'omana

In between my piecing of thoughts into story, I diverted and went to one of my favorite art-nurturing watering holes: Myth and Moor. The quote above describing Hope was part of the beautiful offering left there by Terri Windling.

There. There was something to build into my writer's imagination, and medicine story. I felt the push, the shove that must have been what got me out of a warm bed, and into the woods where already the puddles of rain were deep enough to soak my little shoes clear through. The medicine story being written pulls on threads and roots from so many directions: a mele a song whose meaning has been variously interpreted over more than a hundred years; a name that has laid down waiting, waiting for what? Maybe, the names wait for the next waves or rainfalls filled with hope.

A few days ago, I received a message and an attachment from our son who lives on O'ahu. A second podcast produced by Hui Mauli Ola recorded an interview with a wonderful wahine o Kalihi a woman of Kalihi Valley on the Island of O'ahu. We know this wahine Puni Jackson. When Pete and I were newly unended and empty of hope because we no longer had the safety of 'a home' to live in, our son, Christopher Kawika, invited us to met and visit with Puni Jackson. At the time (2007) Puni and her kane had just moved onto the land and the project called Ho'oulu 'Aina was newly hanau. The land was wild, raw and wet! Though we could not stay, we were welcomed and felt the safety of this pu'uhonua.

Nearly ten years after, we listen to this podcast and heard the journey of hope and healing in Puni's words about the healing process of Ho'oulu 'Aina. The YouTube presentation that begins this post is also Puni Jackson (2015) speaking about the personal messages that needed to be transformed, with hope. Through that listening I learned more about the young woman of forty, mother to her fifth keiki, and example of aloha who gave us hope when we most needed it.

"Hope just means another world might be possible, not promised, not guaranteed. Hope calls for action; action is impossible without hope." - Rebecca Solnit

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Pockets, pouches or the whole ball of wax?

I've started a new medicine story. It's called The Three Sisters. It feels a little like planting a garden, and the title is inspired by my reading about and integrating a planting style. I think I love this new story as well or better than all the other medicine stories. But that may be because this is the medicine that I need right now.

It may suit others, too. The Three Sisters is growing in pockets or pouches of medicine bags over here. Read each as a pocket, or pouch, or read the whole ball of wax. See for yourself. I am grateful for the medicine of story, and the many many beings and events that come to fill in the blank space.




Sunday, June 28, 2015

Achilles' Heel

An Achilles heel is a deadly weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall. While the mythological origin refers to a physical vulnerability, idiomatic references to other attributes or qualities that can lead to downfall are common. - Wikipedia
"The Achilles’ heel Taurus North Node people need to be aware of is seeking self-worth through others (“I can only feel okay about myself through the validation of others”), which can lead them into the trap of an unending search for a soul mate (“If I have this one special person’s energy, I’ll feel complete”). In truth, Taurus North Node people can only achieve a sense of completeness within themselves—it will never come as the by-product of a relationship, even with a soul mate. No matter how much support and validation they get from others, they always think they need more. In fact, for them, others’ validation is a false barometer of whether they are on the right track. Living according to standards they know are right for them, regardless of what others think, will help them develop a sense of self-worth..." - Jan Spiller


One of my first jobs was working a neighborhood drug store. I stocked shelves, and worked the cash register. My old friend Cynthia got me the job. We met in First Grade, grew up a valley apart, and had some very fun times together. What seems like a lifetime ago, comes clearly back to me at times. Times like today, when my Achilles' tendon swells and pains me. I remember standing at a shelf conscious of the ache in my left heel. I can feel it now. I was sixteen.

I've got a tube of Arnicare, arnica cream, that I've been using on the painful tendon. It's a new remedy for me;that along with an ankle brace helps me stand and move around with less difficulty.

The other thing that is inseparable from the physicality of pain is the emotional element of pain. For good or ill, the two are something that I attend to. I know that the issue of the Achilles' heel is freshly bubbling up in me. An old and recurring vulnerability is making its presence felt. "No matter how much support and validation they get from others, they always think they need more." That's the old and recurring pain. the ancient wound.

Being able to stand on my own two feet is the issue, even now, at 67. Earlier today we were at the Farmers' Market talking with a friend. We were talking about her husband's health. I've never met her husband but know he has had major surgery. The conversation we were having had to do with how the surgeons/doctors' aim is to address bolstering his immune system (which she said is very strong) to battle the condition. "It's his DNA," our friend said.

I said I understood completely. That's the thing. I could really relate to what that meant. "He's not taking anything. He's strong, and was up and talking after a four hour operation." There's no cure for what her husband is dealing with. Without sounding simplistic, that is true about life. There's no cure to keep any of us from dying.

Blogging is part of my remedy for attending to my North Node in Taurus, my Achilles' heel of dependence through validation from others. It's a tough ache, and a long-lasting one. I'm in the middle of resetting boundaries and muddling through the process. Messy. It is a one-day-at-a-time journey. 12-Step Work is a lifetime practice. I forget that, and then I remember again. Without blogs, I would be muddling alone, and that is a dark and lonely journey. The voices in my head are loud and judgmental. Putting some of those thoughts onto a blog? Well ... it's an alternative to self-flagellation, and may be a way to strength those genes in my DNA, and tweak my immune system.

Do you recognize your 'fatal flaw' or Achilles' heel? How do you attend to it?





Sunday, January 20, 2013

Coming Soon: 7 Bodies(5 planets plus the Sun and Moon) in Pisces February 23- March 12, 2013



Woken early this morning it was time to wash some of the heavy energy I'm feeling from Saturn in Scorpio. Today is 'Ole Ku Kolu, so these are good moons to reflect upon what needs weeding, washing and otherwise maintaining.  I found something to help: transformative water energy of Neptune Pisces, a 7 body stellium coming soon.

"Turns out the Sun, Venus, Mercury, Mars, Chiron, Neptune will all be in Pisces between February 26, 2013 – March 11, 2013. The Moon will join the stellium on March 10th and 11th – this is something I’d mark on a calendar."

To get some insight into the potential of this energy I went searching. The huge stellium of 7 heavenly bodies in the sign of Pisces (Neptune) falls mainly in my 2nd house, with spillage (my Sun and Mars) into the 3rd house. Dana Gerhardt from Astro.com writes this about the 2nd house:

...Your 2nd house ground must be worked. [You have to transform what you find there.] As an infant, this house was a veritable Garden of Eden. Everything you needed—toes, food, and teddy bears--was magically supplied. Yet as you grew, you learned that gardens must be maintained. Vines need pruning, fruit trees must be planted, flowers have to be fertilized. Earth is a paradise, but it's also full of reality. Pests can destroy your garden, predators can steal your crops. If you don't learn how to increase your garden's yield, your needs won't be met, your desires can't be satisfied. If you wait for manna to drop from the heavens, you'll starve. In other words, you have to get real in this house. You must learn how to use, protect, and manage its resources, or you'll suffer a fall from grace. Anyone who has a problem with money is just plain naive about that... Read more

And, again from Dana Gerhardt I found this about the 3rd house and transits through this house:

... through the 3rd we collect a stream of information about the changing contours of our environment. Nothing-not even our familiar world-stands still. Lose interest in these changes and your mind will lose its potency. When you cease to wonder about what's strange in your day-to-day world, when you lose your willingness to taste new words and imitate without self-consciousness, [when you forego the thrill of acquiring new masteries, however small, you will lose the vast richness of this house.] The issue here is not what we learn so much ass that we learn. In the 3rd house we're performing the good work of keeping our minds alive and, in Bob Dylan's words, “forever young.”
The rest of this ramble continues below the break. Take a breath and carry on if you have the time ...I think it will entertain you, watch out for the winding tail.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

#10 The Safety Pin Cafe: Once there was ...

To catch up, and read the rest of the story ... look RIGHT at the side-bar for 'Doses 1-9" of The Safety Pin Cafe.

I was tempted to sit at the foot of the tiny door, curious about what might be inside. The ornate knocker was a luscious green--a set of three leaves. Steadying myself on the slippery stone bank I leaned on the silver o'o to get a closer look. The door itself was no larger than my palm stretched to full capacity. The knocker was intricately crafted. Ivy. Dangling from the leaves thick ropes grew down the length of the door. Feathered roots, like anchoring ropes the ivy vines were still very much alive.

"This is a door not opened for seasons long and short," the voice was Raven's. "Time is what you'll need to wrestle the roots of the Sure-footed one. Have you the time?" My mind played with the image of the Silver-haired bird who spoke but cloaked himself from me. The changing light around me gave me the answer about time. Night was passing into morning. I pushed myself upright, bid my curiosity a nod and noticed the river had slimmed to a trickle. The moss dried as I stepped away from Madrone. My sensible boots anchored to the stones. Each stone flattened into a smoothly laid path with the pressure of my weight fitting in place as a wall of the Menehune. "Or a mason," teased Raven. "It is a juggling act to maintain the borders of culture," he continued. "They are the same blood, Silver Bird," I was ready for his edgy banter. Aware that Ivy, the Sure-footed will stay to one side of a well-trod trail knowing not to cross to the other side. "They hear and sniff their place," I answered, my eyes winced as I straightened feeling the age of my back muscles.

The smell of apples and cinnamon replaced the smell of  the brackish stream. The sun was warm by the time I arrived at the second door -- a plain white door, solid wood it appeared. There was no knocker or bell just a simple metal door knob. From door to door the venture had given me: time. Time enough to remember how oddly cobbled I was. "Unique venture" the French mademoiselle did tell me. She was right. Does a Border Witch know as a child the journey ahead? I had my suspicions but my dreams, as are all children's dreams more stardust than human and it was time that would bake me to done.

The basket of 'ie'ie scratched at my armpit heated and in want of hatching no doubt. "Soon," I reassured the basket. "Moments only." A low rise of two wooden steps made a welcomed stoop. A pair of high-heeled shoes the color of caramels with straps used to lace around slender ankles lay to the right of the door. Next to them a pair of boots stout and worn leather creased across the box from movement. On the left wooden clogs with tops of heavy canvas a deep orange nearly red. Splatters and dusting of white smudges painted the orange canvas. I sat on the landing after setting the o'o against the front wall, untied my sensible black boots and placed them beside the canvas-topped clogs. Now in my socks, at the last minute I pulled them off as well and tucked them into my boots.

Knowing the protocol for visiting I called out, "Helloooo ... hu'i," refraining from knocking I stood back from the door but not before checking: pin in place,  kihei draped, o'o fully extended. I heard the  padded footfall of socked feet. The door opened in and I was greeted by a tall silver-haired man who towered above me. Dressed in black trousers, a shirt of silky red and a familiar fitted waistcoat Raven smiled. "Just in time," he had dressed for the occasion. I met his smile with the hand that held the o'o.   A wave of energy crossed between us. Images of molten lava, steaming new earth. Quick. The smell of sulphur. I felt for the lei po'o but it was gone and so too the o'o. Raven wore no gloves in this room revealing instead long fingers and flesh of the deepest tones. Ehu as the tree skin of mahogany polished smooth. There was no resisting, I caressed his face with the back of my palm. "Beautiful." Entranced though I was, once inside the door closed behind us, I saw a pair of purple slippers embroidered with designs of black and gold swords. Nearly invisible because the design was stitched in purple threads, a cauldron. The Gypsy Woman was here, too.

This room was surprisingly large, two rooms actually with a split of curtains separating the sitting room from a kitchen. Not a duplication of The Safety Pin Cafe below, but similar. The Gypsy Woman sat at a table with her back toward the entrance of the room. A floor to ceiling mirror hung on the wall behind the table. A table cloth of pale leaf green covered the square table. The four square wood table legs stood like carved trees. Silver place settings--a fork, spoon and knife, smoothly polished plates of wood marked places for four. Raven pulled a chair out for me, "This one," he said and waited for me to sit to the Gypsy Woman's right.



"I've been so impatient to help," she said. "I've lost so many faces in my time, it's nearly ... nearly ... impossible for me to wait to help. I stir and mix up fixes before a faceless woman is ready. Fixing is my job you see. I was born to it." I liked the face I saw next to me and the reflection in the mirror spoke of honesty. She was well-suited for her work. The lines in her face were expertly concealed with a well-applied foundation, face paint. "I love the color of your hair," I said finally settling into my seat as I rubbed by feet together. Sensible boots were well and good, but always, the feel of toes and unencumbered ankles: my favorite. "Thank you. Blond makes me feel myself, and I'm just glad to have the coins to pay for these treatments. My kind of medicine you might say," she was a cackler and a patter, too who instinctively pat the top of my hand in a rhythm any mother recognized. In spite of my often detached nature, I was at ease with her and felt myself relax. "It won't be long now," she read my thoughts. "Funny how we come to learn what we need in unexpected places." again with the cackles. "And timing?" I asked her. "That, too," she said this time simply nodding.

A clatter of plates and a comfortable rhythm of chatter came from the the room beyond the split curtains. The sort of curtains I'd expect to find in a sushi bar allowed me to see bear feet moving in time to the chatter. Every once in a while I'd see Raven's stockinged feet. Finally, the indigo blue sushi bar curtain parted. Raven came first with a steaming pot of what smelled like hot milk and vanilla on a wooden tray. Big china mugs filled up the tray as he headed toward us. A woman, I guessed at her gender, followed. The lei po'o of red lehua -- my lei po'o encircled her head. A mask that looked to be made of leather fully covered her face. A wooded heart hung around her neck. A cape the color of a near-winter forest hung loosely over her shoulders. She carried a large pie. The last through the indigo curtain was a dainty framed cook with brilliant blue eyes and a chef's apron to match her eyes. Her bare feet gave away ancestry as they nearly touched down with each step. The silver hat pin was all she carried.

"It's my first pie," The Faceless Woman said as she settled the hot pie onto a quilted hot pad. Raven held the chair next to me, touched The Woman's elbow to seat her and smiled in my direction. The chef stood beside the last of the empty chairs, waited for Raven to circle and accepted his courtesy and sat beside The Gypsy Woman. Raven poured hot milk with vanilla and pulled from his waistcoat pocket a tiny silver shaker. "Cinnamon," he asked. We all nodded for a sprinkle.

A woman's first pie from the sky is always a time of ritual passages. Not quite the same as celebrating the passing of first blood, a first pie is an occasion to recognize maturing. Sipping the warm milk I watched as memories long and short swam from the steam in front of me. A tent of blankets; a walk on sandy beaches -- white, rocky, warm and cold. Next to me, The Old Gypsy Woman sipped and ripe globes of pomegranates and tomatoes, rich dark coffee and children blond as sunshine. From the edge of the leather mask, the steaming cup of hot milk rose softening the face covering revealing a chin, the flesh nearly transparent. "Sip it, sip it, sip it," we chanted to The Faceless Woman. At first softly, we encouraged her. "Sip it, sip it, sip it. From the bottom up, sip it, sip it, sip it," With each enchantment the leather became her, forming a chin, then lips that could ... sip.

"This is a stop over place, The Safety Pin Cafe," the chef said as we watched The Faceless Woman emptied her mug of warm milk and vanilla. Raven refilled her mug and sprinkled more cinnamon. The chef continued. "Not every one finds this place, it's easily missed among the distractions ... this and that, either or. But, many do find us and we never turn people, mostly woman, away. Company worth keeping give us what we need, and all involved make piece with time." In the chef's hands the silver hat pin had transformed once again this time into a pie server. She handed it to The Faceless Woman and said, "I believe this is yours." An inscription on one side of the pie server read, "New Moon in the Archer. The sky is the limit" Tears fell from beneath that leather mask dampening it. Each tear turned leather to flesh forming one cheek, and another. "Time to cut the pie, and serve us each in turn. But before you do, these three will add one ingredient ... a wish, a prayer, a story," The Chef looked at us: The Gypsy Woman, Raven and me. "This may take a very long, or very short time," said The Chef. With no hesitation there came, "It makes no never mind to me. " The Woman less faceless than before answered. And so each of us did in turn add a wish, a prayer, a story.

Once there was, and once there was, and once there was not ...

The Safety Pin Cafe and The Joy Weed Journal are Copyright Protected(c), 2012
Yvonne Mokihana Calizar 



Sunday, December 2, 2012

Are you good at waiting?




The Epic Tale of Hi'iakaikapoliopele

" Writing fiction for me is like playing in sand at the beach.  Warm water, the sound of waves, and the sculpting of sand caves and castles give me room to let the playful girl out of an all too confining skin of restrictions.  Creativity loves room to play...The story "Splinters" is my latest adventure at playing in the sand.  Through the process, and through the recording done here on my blog I take the discipline art of studying astrology to frame characters; weave in my love and ongoing appreciation for culture; and, allow my need to express the everyday in some transformative way..."
This is an excerpt from a blog post at Moon Tattoos written on February, 2012 here.  My love affair with blogging has tickled scores of stories and creations that allow me "to express the everyday in some transformative way." The time traveling novel-in-the-making "Splinters" parks for a while, and I write other stories. The gifts of internet access and blog-making lay a foundation for doing what I love. And why do I do this?

" My past is like a patch of nettles, the memories burn as I pluck them up . . .and crush them . . .and spin them  . . .and weave them into coats made out of stories. My brothers are grown, but there are others still caught beneath swan feathers and donkeyskins. And so I continue to spin, and weave, and toss those coats made of words to the air — hoping that someday, somewhere, they will set somebody free.- Terri Windling
The three sentences above are the conclusion to Terri Windling's essay "Transformations" copyright © 2002 by Terri Windling which first appeared in the expanded edition of Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Women Writers Explore Their Favorite Fairy Tales, edited by Kate Bernheimer. Windling quickly, and steadily, became my modern day heroine. I highly recommend reading the whole of "Transformation" for an inspiring read about fairy tales as remedy for life. A writer, painter and blogger come to my world thanks to the internet, Windling's novel The Wood Wife and her blog The Drawing Board are regular fueling and refueling ponds for my creativity. I visit her blog daily, and have read The Wood Wife many times. My copy of the novel is tucked in a basket under my bed along with my other notions and potions of homeo-practical magic.

Like Windling, my life and the journey-journaling as Makua O'o is a winding tale. Over and under, challenged and defeated, up and out leaping or scrambling out of ashes I weave something from nothing. The myth and stories I tell are inseparable from the kumulipo (the creation stories) of my ancestors. But, they translate and kick-off (makawalu) versions of tales that fit me today. When I come to the keys and tell the latest story I am motivated by freedom. This morning I read this at my astrologer's blog:

I intended to withdraw my energy from this blog and the boards in order to focus... It’s sort [of]the Saturn model – finish the work, before you play, but then something weird happened. I found out one of the regulars on the site had been blocked by the communist party in the country where she lives.
The variations on the theme of motivation fueled a conversation my husband and I have been having about The Safety Pin Cafe. This version of tale spinning is new for me. Born like so many of my stories there was a need to remedy an experience. I called for help, asked for permission and let the words fly! That 1-2-3 process is consistent. Now, nearly finished with the 10-doses of The Safety Pin Cafe I want to know: What's it is like to read and visit The Safety Pin Cafe? You see I'm not quite sure what the story yearns for as a conclusion. My Hawaiian storytelling genes are evolving and there's no telling what those artistic genes will do from the borders. Before tying off this lei of words, here's something that inspires my lei-making and story-telling genes. Marie McDonald, master lei-maker and kapa maker has been making lei and teaching her aloha for this art from the Waimea country on the island of Hawaii. In the quote from a 1994 interview in The Waimea Gazette, I heard something to move me i mua, forward:

"I can hardly believe what they are doing with leis today! People are so creative, really inventive and I like to think I had a part in that," she said.
She believes true artists, whatever their mode of expression, have to take the traditional and add to it, not be bound by it.
Marie likes to think of people in the year 3000 studying their past history and saying, "Well, look at the difference... this is what they were doing with leis in the 1850's, and then look what they were doing in 1950 and 2050."
"We're supposed to evolve, to grow, to get better," she said.

So back to the question and topic for this post. "Are you good at waiting?" Help me with a new twist to my storytelling.

Are you reading The Safety Pin Cafe?

Did you read the installments quickly, or did you pace the doses? 

If you are a Hawaii-born reader do you see the way the traditional stories weave and change in this story? What do you think of this?

Do you have safety pin memories of your own?

Would you visit the real Safety Pin Cafe, and hear the final installment live in a location near you?

All and any answers will add to the homeopractical application of this medicine story. I hope you'll let me know what you're thinking. Leave a comment, or email me.

mokihanacalizar@gmail.com

The 'Ole Moons begin tomorrow, so I'll be mulling things over for a few moons.

Until next time.
Bisous,
Mokihana





Saturday, December 1, 2012

#9 The Safety Pin Cafe: Hoaka ... arch above the door

As promised, The Fairy Lady slipped into time in a blink of soft blue. As my sensible boot touched down its toe nudged the corner of the door. The door opened in. With it came the stench of stale brackish water, the sort that has sat too long with neither rain nor movement. The perfect environs for ... "Malingering," the word not mine seemed to suit. No turning back. I knew the journey was forward. I took the next step, planting both sensible boots outside the threshold.

In a heartbeat, and I could hear mine pounding soundly, the hall was a stream bed slippery with moss. Water trickled rather than flowed. My boots slid as I attempted movement. "Two doors down. Only two doors down," Raven encouraged. Imagining his silver-hair distracted me. I chose another thought as tempting as it was to stay with that one. My balance in the physical form as Border Witch was not so much missing as random. Sometimes my former agility wore me like well-fitting leggings. Other times, not so much. Slipping with the jelly basket in my armpit would be messy and the explanations afterwards ... well. I was too old for that.

Firm enough afoot, I steadied myself and slid the hat pin from the front of the kihei. Twisting the topknot in a clockwise direction with my right-hand the palm-sized pin grew into full and stout length. A walking stick. A tool. A third leg. I lifted my arm just enough for me to dip the end of the o'o between the woven vines of ie'ie, covering it with the sticky jelly. Blowing on the jell dried it, leaving it as cushion to my movement in the brackish stream. The going was easier, though the smell of the stale water thickened. No light assisted this journey. I laughed as I thought of my mother who would have carried a flashlight!


My preference was keep one as well, but did I leave that in the cafe as well? Well, it made no never mind to look back. I planted the silver o'o in the stream bed, reassured. It was dark but my eyes had adjusted to the absence of light. Shadows glittered and my awareness sharpened. "No shadow without light," I felt a tug at the lehua blossom. It was Hi'iaka. "Turn, turn," she continued. Confident now, my sensible boots pa'a, firmly in place, and my knees flexed I turned slightly and saw the crescent light of Hoaka above the bedroom door behind me. A fair distance behind me now, the light of Mahina cast a pale but particular glow. The shadows of tree skin, the bark as golden as Chinese gold rings outlined a door no higher than my flexed knees. 'ekahi ... one. The tree itself was elegant and tall her arms rose into the space above me. "Madrone, the lovely deep rooted one," I was thrilled to see her and reached for the smooth run of her skin. "The Faceless Woman was two doors down, but what is behind Door Number One?" I waited, wondering, for a moment whether that was the right question.


The Safety Pin Cafe and The Joy Weed Journal are Copyright Protected(c), 2012
Yvonne Mokihana Calizar 

Friday, February 27, 2009

Listen … with your whole body … LISTEN RESPECTFULLY

Admitting I am living with Multiple Chemical Sensitivities was as important an admission as any alcoholic makes when she works into the rooms, introduces herself by name, and adds, "I am an alcoholic." I've been in the rooms, would still be in the rooms if I could handle the smells. I am not an alcoholic, but only by the grace of god. I have been affected by the alcoholism of others and as they tell us in Al-Anon, alcoholism is a family disease. The similarities between my experiences in recovery from addictive 'side-effects' and life with Multiple Chemical Sensitivities are many, but I can start with these:

I am powerless over other peoples' choices ... yet, I am not helpless to do things that matter for me.
The first step is to admit the 'ism or the sensitivities exists.
The second is to make a choice to turn to a power greater than the struggle.

That's a start. The real work is in the continuing to listen to the power within. The outside visuals, the anxiety of scanning for the triggers (of potential exposure) and the hyper-vigilance that comes with always be 'ON' are loud! The power within is gentle, soft sometimes, and always available to be listened to respectfully. I'm not sure how this writing meditation will play out ... I'm really just listening respectfully to the voice that tells me "Sure, you're taking this dictation just right ~ keep on it."

The point I'm at today is a celebrating time. My dear husband Pete and I have come through so many challenges and I know "I am powerless over many things." With the guidance of my power within I have been led to a counselor who has modeled generous and respectful listening. She is a woman who lives with chemical sensitivities as well, so there is a common foundation of life view between us. Her brand of sensitivities is different and yet we don't spend too much time going through the comparisons. Instead, over the past ten months I have learned to listen to her listen to me. "You are powerless over x, y, 1, 2, 3, but you have such power within." "Do you recognize the mastery in that?" She has asked me that in so many conversations. "Do you feel you are getting enough from me today?" Weekly and now every other week I have been learning the vital skill of listening respectfully to me with my whole body/mind/spirit.

I celebrate because I am making progress reclaiming a transformed self ... a self who lives with an illness that can isolate like Hansen's Disease once isolated. I claim this self with more assurance today. My feeling of attachment to this Kitchenette ... it's a good thing, an indicator that I care for the comforts of regularity. Gently, I notice there are unexpected bouts of tears ... short bouts up they come from where I am aware yes, I know they come from old hurts healing. Then the crying stops. I celebrate my healing today and give thanks to a wonderful woman who has used her own vulnerable and caring self to care for me. Thank you "K." your magnificence spills over and its come my way.