Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A South Node Experience

I wore a suit in a past life.
Amy and I were walking through town yesterday.  Two friends wearing masks, chatted and peeked into the shop windows 'like normies.'  We stopped and squealed at the puppets and the fun headbands of frivolity.  "I love that one," I said pointing at the green and blue headband that could have had two shiny eyes.  "Oh, you'd look good in that.  The colors,"  Amy said.  "I used to wear stuff like that.  I was a professional clown."  I said.  "You were?  A professional clown."  "Yeah, I went to clown college."  The conversation went on as we walked to the end of the block and before we got to the STOP sign, I had told her about my former career as corporate exec and found myself talking about a part of my life that I now describe as being re-lived as a sort of nightmare. 

"Did you wear suits?"  Amy asked.  Yup.  I did and can remember the way those suits were chosen, why, what color, the feel of the slippery silk-like lining and the shoulder pads on one suit that made my already broad shoulders line-backer like.  It was a very big leap that I took consciously and purposely welding all my 10th H power to make a career out of ... not nothing, but to make a career that was OUT THERE.  It had to be done.  (I could make money at it.  I could 'show 'em' I could BE some body.)  Over time the job took me away from home and my family (especially Christopher) and allowed me space from Roy who was not what I thought he was ... Whatever that means!  I made a public life separate from the rest of me. 

The result:  a divorce, emptying the resources that I made (401K) as I left the marriage, moved back to Hawaii; and started another relationship without having cleaned up the karma from the first.  Fourteen years later, Roy and I talk.  It's better, and I am aware of my mistakes, and see how I can easily repeat them with Pete.  I 'file that' away until something like yesterday's walk with a pal draws the puss from a wound not quite healed.  But, it is healing.  Long term (Saturn-Libra) healing and Chiron in the 10th H of public life. 

I am different.  I have a chronic illness borne of sensitivity and reactivity and worn into the grooves of my brain, my soul.  A chance to pay down the karmic debt is here ... one awareness and one new and better choice at a time.  Nearing the Season of Scorpio, the debt repayment options are more powerful.  I see them for what they are.  In the daily events of my life, a friend with a mask, walks with me past a window front with a joyfilled headband and conversation happens.  Real talk.  Unexpected avenue of healing.

Good,  this private space for this episode.

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