I've been doing a lot of asking lately. I made a trip north and east to see my environmental doc this morning. Over the past few weeks the number of exposures and the adjustments to make as I recuperate from them have brought me to my knees. It's difficult to know how my body and mind are doing. So as if unceasingly I have been praying, asking, talking with Ke Akua and the `aumakua (all that is and all the ancestral gods who have their role in the order of things). "I believe I have a place here, so what exactly is that? Is it changing? You know why I'm here. So, could you help me out here because I'm not sure of anything right now." This is the sort of talk I'm hearing myself say ... in the bathroom, along the beach, while I drift in and out of sleep. My dreams time has been busy, the experiences varied ... I'm working in my dreams, 'working for a living' kind of work; something I have not been doing for a very long time in the waking state. I feel the reward of the work. Then, I'm off to revisit old friends, people who I have let go since MCS has become an anger-inducing wedge in relationships once supportive and restoring. Even in the dreams the relationships are different. Looking like something, and yet it isn't that way at all. Dreams give you that omnivision if you notice. When I open my eyes from dreaming I have to consciously draw my spirit and my energy back into my physical body. Whewww...what a busy night!
The traffic was heavy over the 520 bridge, a woman in her Land Rover stalled on the bridge. Poor woman, what a back-up one car creates on a two lane road. Fortunately, it is a glorious clear though cold Seattle day. Waiting in traffic on the bridge the immense size of Lake Washington reminds me why I could not understand the difference between 'lake' and 'ocean' when I first arrived in the Northwest, a girl of twenty-six. I was a few minutes late for my appointment, but I had called to tell Tiffany I was sitting on the bridge. My appointment with Dr. B was about forty-five minutes long. I need the time. My list of questions were written on a medium-size brown paper bag. A tip for my exquisite sensitivity to most paper, I thank Leslie from The Oko Box Blog for that! It it difficult to sort out what is happening to my body ... the organs, especially the liver works so hard to detoxify environment as well as toxic emotions. I began at the bottom of my list and asked about everything from "How do you determine whether the liver is keeping up?" "I'd like to coordinate what I do with Chulan, my NAET practitioner? What do you think?" One by one Dr. B answered my questions and offered options that fit within my frame of reference...they resonated with me. Late in the year, last year I asked readers on VARDOFORTWO how they handled medical issues; ie. how they deal with insurance, hospitalization, health insurance. It helped me to see that these issues are not easily dealt with when you have MCS, or not for that matter. Today, I asked Dr. B to write me a letter that affirmed my health condition, as a woman with MCS who would need to be accomodated within the health/hospital setting. "I'll include that they consult with the patient (you) because you know what you can or cannot handle." Dr. B was clear he'd include that sentence in the letter.
During the past five years, Pete and I have been through extreme situations: fleeing from pesticide incidences, living in a car for months, being harassed by a cop for sleeping in the car, and on and on. Learning to adjust over and over wears a being done. Building a safe home in addition makes the process even more challenging. Through it all, my foundation has been a spiritual connection that links me to something bigger than myself. I know it has kept me alive.
There are some things spirit must depend upon from the physical world, and sometimes that means I ... the ego attached to me must be 'tricked' out of control long enough to accept an option outside the comfortable one. Maybe. Five years ago I stopped taking the last of the prescription drugs I used for decades. It was for high blood pressure. There were many reasons the drug was not right for me, and so I worked with alternatives. MCS took all my attention and focus during those five years. This morning, I knew ... my dreams, my ringing ears, my inner center and my list ... it was time to re-think the quality of my choices. The blood pressure reading said "Yup, your blood pressure is way up there. Do you think you'd like to try medication?" Dr. B asked. We talked about the choice he suggested, a newer medication (I'll explore it on the internet, and get Chulan to muscle test it, too). He wrote the prescription, I took it, along with a prescription for oxygen that will be available to me when the air is difficult.
I'm weighing all the discussion and queries posed. I asked for clarification, and got a lot from the appointment, and soon I can make a few more decisions.